My whole life, I have found dating to be very difficult. On one hand, I can count all the dates I have been on in my 34 years, and this is not from a lack of trying. I have tried the apps — Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, you name it — but historically I rarely got any matches, maybe two a month if I was lucky and most of those matches never eventuated into any conversation.
Honestly, my dating experiences or lack thereof has left me feeling quite deflated and has increasingly impacted my self-esteem over the years, I feel as though I am not good enough for anyone.
I try not to spiral over this but I find myself constantly asking the same questions: How can people see me for who I am if they do not even engage in a conversation? How will anyone be able to see past my disability? Will anyone ever give me a chance?
Online dating is predicated on first impressions and superficial ones at that. All of the apps — that I have tried at least — are designed for judging people based on their appearances. So I believe that people automatically swipe left when they see my wheelchair in photos, before making the effort to read my bio or taking a better look at my photos to make a decision. Alas, this is the nature of these apps, they have created user habits equivalent to that of online shopping so that you can easily swipe past 50 pairs of jeans before you find the perfect pair.
I appreciate that it is hard enough for people to find a partner these days, I hear about able-bodied people’s struggles finding romantic connections. Honestly, it makes me less hopeful for my own chances. I think because of my looks and my disability, I am never considered as a romantic potential. This is just ableism at play and in part, due to how people are raised and influenced to think of ‘the perfect partner’.
People with disability have suggested that I hide the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy in order to build some dialogue with someone and then reveal once they have had a chance to get to know me a little. I have always refuted this for two reasons. One — I value honesty and therefore lying to someone upon meeting them is not in my nature, nor would I want to start a relationship based on a lie. Two — my disability has such a significant impact on me, that trying to hide it would not be viable. It is who I am.
As far as actually experiencing romantic relationships, there are two instances in my life that I could point to as such, but I am honestly not sure they count. The first was when I dated a girl in high school for three months, we were in year 9 so we were still children. In the second instance, I was seeing a woman who was engaged at the time which I know was absolutely wrong but I was so consumed by the fact that someone wanted me intimately and romantically that I was not thinking about the consequences. The relationship lasted four months as the illusion faded away and I began feeling terrible about the cheating as well as being kept a secret. This “relationship” taught me a lot. I learnt that I could experience mutual love/attraction/intimacy, but I also questioned whether she pursued a relationship with me knowing that she could not be public about it (for obvious reasons) and therefore would not have to be seen out with me? I was never able to get closure from that one so it remains a mystery.
I have basically given up hope trying to attempt anything in person. When I am out and see someone that I like or am attracted to, I am unsure how to approach them. Part of it is the old classic fear of rejection that everyone has, but for me specifically, it is because I struggle communicating what I would like to say, in a way that is easily understood by someone that does not know me. Unfortunately, I also get in my head about what people might think of me, which further diminishes my confidence. I am also aware of instances where people with disability have been mistreated while dating for no valid reason (other than ableism, of course). On top of all that, I am fearful of appearing stupid.
In light of everything I have shared so far, I am still holding on to a sliver of hope and now considering other avenues into dating, such as attending speed dating sessions or singles nights.
For speed dating, one barrier with this would be the speed of my communication. The idea of speed dating is to learn as much about a person in a super short amount of time. This conflicts with my communication style as I typically have to use my tablet to speak to people who do not know me well. So by the time I have finished typing out a question or response, I have probably used up all the allocated time for that date. However, anyone who knows me, knows that I am always looking for ways to overcome barriers with my disability. I have been brainstorming some ideas and one that came to mind was creating a video or preparing questions and responses beforehand using my AAC technology which, through text to voice functions, allows me to communicate what I would say in a speed dating situation. It is only an idea right now but I will definitely report back once it comes to fruition.
With singles nights I recognise that the prospect of having to approach someone in these situations is basically the whole point, but because the context is built off of that premise, I believe I will be more comfortable than if I was attempting this in public on my own. What has been disappointing though is that I have messaged several Singles event organisers to check that the venues are wheelchair accessible, but every time, I have gotten no response. Small things like this have had a huge impact on marginalised individuals, as it basically affirms what we as disabled people have been feeling forever; exclusion, isolation, and patronization. Am I surprised though? No, this is the nature of the world as I have come to know it but that does not mean I do not deserve to experience romantic love.
Maybe I should just purchase a ticket and show up to the venue. Stay tuned for that story.
If you have any dating stories or advice you would like to share, put them down below — I would love to hear them and feel solidarity with other people in my community navigating the same issues.